Putting my gift to work

So, like everyone else and their grandmother, I have a blog and "Look, MA" it's all about me...

I find that I am incapable of writing a blog exclusively about myself because when I write myself I want to disclose my soul. Writing is not something I choose to pursue, but a cathartic process that I must do to be at peace with myself.

I firmly believe that everyone on this beautiful planet has a purpose, some more profound than others, but no less important. It's so difficult not to compare myself to those whose purpose happens to extend beyond their small sphere of influence to include the entire world. Whether or not you personally enjoy these people we can agree they've had a measurable impact upon society: Paul Newman, Bill Gates, Ron Clark, and Barack Obama.
Sometimes I read about the amazing work, money, and positive change these famous people have brought forth and I feel so small like nothing I do could possibly compare. At times I am paralyzed with a desire for perfection. After work I lay with a beer and watch shows about these people as a tiny nagging knot of jealousy finds its way into my throat. It's not that I want to be famous or commended, I am just impatient for change and impatient for the right amount of drive; but thanks to an incredibly diverse and challenging group of Irving ISD kids, I think I've finally gathered up just the motivation I was hungry for.

The past year has been a classic example of a wandering twenty-something. Twelve months ago I graduated from my undergrad, left my beloved co-op family, moved to Brooklyn, , started grad school, taught summer school, moved to Houston, lived with my boyfriend of 5+ years, desperately looked for a job, broke up with my boyfriend, moved back in with the parents, and started substitute teaching. Phew! It wasn't easy to move back home or admit failure in a long relationship, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Wait a minute, is 20/20 even perfect vision? Someone told me it was 20/19. Who the hell knows?

All that lust for excitement, pining for action, and an obvious purpose led me in a bass-ackwards (as my old boyfriend used to say) journey to find my purpose: of course I am going to become a teacher, but not only that, an adult voice for the students. After six months of subbing in the tumultous district of Irving, Texas I've seen the dark side of education in this country. But didn't you see that in Brooklyn, you ask? I answer that query with a smartass remark; Didn't we already know that impoverished African-American received unequal educations? Well, many of knew that sad fact. What I didn't know is that everywhere, in the areas of the U.S serving kids from The Projects and those serving White Suburbia's children, our children are not first on the list when it comes to education.
In Brooklyn teachers hate their jobs. Well paid Coppell teachers verbally abuse our children. Administrators in Irving grotesquely waste tax-payer dollars. In every city across the land of liberty children are not getting what they deserve and this disgusts me. How has our education system gotten so out of control?

It is with a clenched fist and the memory of hundreds of hugs I've received from students that I march forward towards change. America does not yet have an education system; but a grossly expensive babysitting service that churns out many a disgruntled, uncreative, unmotivated and disheartened adult into society.
I am almost certain I won't be the subject of yet another sappy motivational teacher movie like Dangerous Minds, Stand and Deliver, or Freedom Writers; however I know my purpose is to stand up for our kids and give them the education they deserve.

The chilling of the morning

Woke up this morning to radiohead...how uplifting right? Well yes actually...No matter how sad a piece of music might seem or anything creative for that matter...it inspires me. To wake up, to go out, to look at the sky and see shape of creatures, to skip about even though I'm an "adult", to paint all the silly little characters I have floating in and out of my mind. Last night I ended up being awesomely lame by chatting on facebook for about 2 hours here and there. To some friends here and to another in Ann Arbor. Even though I have a love/hate relationship with most things impersonal such as computers, this technology does lend itself to broadening horizons and relationships...hmmm...yes....I also managed to eat pizza, drink wine, watch Gettysburg and the Mavs vs. Lakers game(which ended up sucking ass), and going on a long walk. Somehow I have also agreed to hopefully go on a roadtrip from D.C to Austin. HA! Oh there's the Les that I love. I can see it now...there's just something about being free in a car and watching new scenery float by through the frame of a passenger seat window. I feel creative and alive watching something new unfold. I've been taking roadtrips since I was a little girl so maybe that's also why I love them so much...something familiar surrounded by the unfamiliar.

good feeling...

A lot in my life is up in the air currently...job, love life, religious beliefs, bank account, and more...it's slightly alarming but above all it's exciting. If I can just make it through the tedious part of enjoying the "in the meantime" sort of periods then I think I'll be a-ok.

Happy Early Spanksgiving

I loved moss when I was four years old in Indiana and I am 25 years old and still am fascinated by its fuzzy green brilliance. I went a-walkin' yesterday in the woods behind my house and discovered this little patch lit up in the fresh golden light of an Autumn Texas sun.


......
I just broke up with my on again off again love of 5ish years-for good. Our relationship was really only rocky for the last year or so due to many reasons but the main one being my increasing independence. I guess I am not really too sad about the break-up except that I really did enjoy his company and that he was my first in many respects. The first person I said, "I love you" to and thought that maybe I'd marry, the first person that hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover, the first person I hurt badly, and the first person I made love to. Over time, some people just grow and realize, at least for now, that they're better apart. We met at the co-op which also makes out relationship so meaningful...we were both house director and understood how difficult and mentally draining it can be leading a house of 100+ crazies! It was a good run for a relationship but I'm ready to find someone easier to be in a relationship with...or maybe no one at all...at least for a while. Being a single Texas gal ain't so bad...Of course, being an imaginative free spirit, I always have crushes on people...dammit...I thought that by the time I was this old I would have grown out of that, but then again, it's just too much fun.

So tomorrow is Spanksgiving '08 huh? What pray-tell am I thankful for? Umm...off the top of my head...that I finally fucking graduated college...yes it was 6 months ago, but still. There were times when I was so mentally disillusioned with college that I was desperate to drop out...to maybe just, as Dr. Timothy Leary says, "Turn on, tune in, and drop out"...hmmm...wha ha ha ha...I am also thankful for the many opportunities I have had in life such as being involved with co-ops in various capacities, living in Brooklyn, backpacking abroad, etc. I realize that I have had a blessed life. What else...I am thankful for my relationships with amazing friends, kooks, family, and of course, animals(my joy in life). Lastly, I am thankful for the ability to know what I want to do with my life...this is not to say that I know exactly how I am going to travel this road or where it will take me, but I am excited. My passions lead me in the direction of working with and for people. Hopefully this involves teaching, kids, art, and being able to truly be me. Each day I am trying not to lead a life of, "quiet desperation" like so many humans do. I can almost be sure that it means being poor, being a bit of a nomad, and being patient, and I am a-ok with that. Here's to being me and being thankful...until next time. Love and peace, astro-les

"Here I go again on my own"

Just thinking of leaving the life of a student in a co-op makes me a bit teary eyed. I'll miss my room, amazing friends, the crazy antics, the twin trees, the pool, I will really really really miss my Lady Pearl! I shall write a love note to my forever loved Austin and Pearl St. Co-op...

***
We left pieces of our souls in Austin
With the freaks and geniuses and jesters

With Red Beard, Verano, Djarums, and Karaoke
With Star Tooth, paint pants, and fire code bikes

These pieces live in the reminiscing of nights passed
Some psychedelic, pornographic, or peaceful
Through stories told a thousand times of walks of shame
That may or may not have been induced by
Beer
College
Sex and of course
Titties

Through infamous events clouded by cooperative efforts
Like a grand entrance into Lake Austin made with a cape
Vomiting seen from the balcony
And finishing a bag of Marshmallow Mateys as the sun says, “good morning”

Our souls have run down the Drag to the light of the tower and our Texas moon
Have comforted friends in the fluorescent lights of the loud hall
And celebrated birthdays in the dimness of Hole in the Wall

These souls live with Banana trees in beer soaked dirt
On the balcony and between sister trees

They fly with the bats
Down south first while looking for Leslie like some recurring dream

Our souls live in the faces of laughing friends
With wine in hand and that well-played party mix blaring

With Lady Pearl’s lovers
And Mario and Luigi
that ever-present creespter
and some guy who shattered our window


Some shall speak of our names for now
But like our transience of Drag Rats
The memory of us will no longer live on the mouths of friends and acquaintances
But in the cinder block walls of one hell of a place

~Astro-les